Didn’t realize how emotionally depleted I was.
Babe picked me up last night from Gram’s (Grandmother), and as we were driving away he asked….
Did you have a good time?
I started crying!
I feel broken by this disability. It becomes a dark cloud that desires to envelop the soul.
Spending 2 days with Gram, nieces, and my sisters, I am reminded that darkness and light coexist.
If this beast of an illness stays with me the rest of my life, I have a powerful defense… JOY!
Throughout my life Gram has unintentionally (possibly intentionally) groomed me for this very moment in my life. She has reminded me that sources of POSITIVE joy can be pulled from many life experiences.
*My sister taking me to the hair salon after-hours so I can get my hair cut and colored!
*My niece laughing out loud in 5 minute increments because she is happy!
*My family holding hands in a circle several years after my grandfather’s passing thanking God for the beautiful memories we are left behind.
Guess what? This vestibular condition was present during every one of those moments! Yet, JOY was still present.
Balling up and internalizing POSITIVE moments of joy are going to be critical to combating this chronic illness longterm.
I also realized…
“I’m not who I was before!”
I am NEVER going to be who I was before.
Does that mean I am not entitled to joy?
Does that mean joy will not exist because I am living with a chronic illness?
Does that mean I can’t spread joy because I grieve?
Joy is a FEELING!
Joy is STRENGTH!
Joy can TRANSCEND!
Joy can SURVIVE and REVIVE even in the midst of deep sorrow!
This “brand new kinda me” has been years in the making.
I was flipping through the channels at Gram’s and came across this song being performed by Alicia Keys!
Listen to the words.
“Brand New Me”…
PS: “It took a long long time to get here.” Be patient with yourself! Growth and change are critical to becoming the brand new kinda you!