Frozen To The

Heart carved out of snowImage: Tina Phillips / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

My core body temperature is registering 98.7 degrees but my inner spirit is experiencing borderline hypothermia. Frozen by fear? How is it that I feel so unsure of my next move? I have received so many wonderful responses after my guest appearance on The Big Web Show, episode #55. Your emails, tweets, comments, blog post, and phone calls mean so much to me. I could not have prepared myself for the incredible amount of resources and guidance shared over the last few days. I feel like Charlie, from Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory, anticipating a golden ticket behind each scrumptious chocolate bar.

 

Fear of success or failure?

I am feeling a bit exposed. What if I am not smart enough to master HTML, CSS and Javascript? What if I uncover I have zero visual design skills? What if I can’t handle the workload? What if my health won’t allow participating in a career? What if I fail? Success feels like the only option. I am nervous. I have quoted Tim Ferriss, 4- Hour Work Week, in the past, it’s about time for another quote!

 

“Fear comes in many forms, and we usually don’t call it by it’s four- letter name. Fear Itself is quite fear-inducing.”

 

Defining the fear

According to Tim, I should define my nightmares and absolute worst fears that could happen if I pursue what I am considering.

Worst things that could happen if I fail to achieve career success?

I will be financially dependent
I will not live up to my word
I will not be contributing

What will inaction cost me?

I will be financially dependent
I will not live up to my word
I will not be contributing

 

Confronting the fear

It’s clear that inaction and failure will bring the same results. This leaves me no choice but to face the fear head on. What happens if I face the fear and I succeed?

Best possible scenarios if I achieve career success:

Ability to be financial independent
I will have lived up to my word
I will be contributing
I can become a mentor

 

Final thoughts

Inaction is not an option. I realize I may not succeed, but the possibilities that arise from success are motivating. I refuse to sit back and continue to watch life pass me by. I have to find a way to organize my resources and get to work. Being frozen by fear is an obstacle that I will have to overcome. Success is unfolding as the only option, but I am thankful and blessed that a progressive, positive, option is still attainable.

 

Much love,
Marissa

 

 

Second Chances

My life drastically changed when diagnosed with a vestibular disorder. A floodgate of emotions began to consume me. Emotions that ranged from anger to fear, depression to confusion. My judgement was often clouded and I made mistakes. I have spent the last few months trying to assess the aftermath of my cloudy decisions. As I evaluate the damages, I am left with the question, am I worthy of a second chance? In my haste I left behind close friendships, and made terrible educational choices. For example: I miss my former best friend dearly, yet it’s hard for me to pick up the phone and ask for a second chance at rekindling the friendship.

man surrounded by puzzle pieces. Image: renjith krishnan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

Why am I putting this out there?

I want you to avoid the same mistakes I have made. Before I was granted this disability, I had major life weaknesses. Those weaknesses were magnified when the disability hit. I would suggest evaluating and shoring up your life weaknesses today!

 

Examples of my weakness pre-disability:

* I didn’t invest in my friendships . I would not send out b-day cards, make phone calls, plan outings, etc.

* I was afraid to live my dreams. I wanted to live in New York and travel aboard.

* I was 100 percent a workaholic. I didn’t make enough time for family, fiance and friends.

 

Worthy of a second chance?

I would love a be transported back in time to turn those weakness into strengths! I may or may not be worthy of a second chance, that remains to be seen. The choices we selectively make or dismiss will directly impact the outcome of our futures. Are you worthy of a second chance?

Much love,
Marissa

Fear Of Failure

 

split bridge, one side followers, one side leaderImage: renjith krishnan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

My personality is reflective of a clutch hitter. When the bases are loaded, full count, team down by two runs, I’m confident I can hit a home run. When I am called to lead, I am comfortable assuming a leadership role. When I am asked to follow, I am known to be a trustworthy consigliere.

I have always felt comfortable to lead or follow, knowing I was surrounded by team members. As I stand alone, yearning for ways to contribute in the workforce, I am riddled with fear. I don’t have co-workers to collaborate with, or a boss to impress. I am on this journey alone, without much direction. I am afraid to fail.

The fear of failure is going to have to substitute for team members. The fear of failure has asked me to follow and I have been a solid listener. I have listened and understood that I may not succeed. However, I believe it’s my time to lead. I will introduce fear and uncertainty to bravery and success!

Much Love,
Marissa

It’s Time To Come Clean

I feel like I have been living a double life. Majority of those on my personal Facebook page have no clue I am living with a disability. I couldn’t take it any longer. It was time for me to come clean!

“Majority of you are unaware that I have been suffering from a disabling balance disorder. Six, almost seven years ago my balance started failing me. I began experiencing intermittent dizziness and then one day I woke up with full blown vertigo, I have never been the same. The etiology of the condition is unknown. Check out the day in a life living with this condition.

The crazy thing is I look 100 percent “normal,” yet I am really struggling inside. I have been silent about what is going on for several reasons, mainly fear and embarrassment. However, as I grow to accept what has happened I want to live more openly about what I am going through. I can’t be my authentic self and not speak my truth. So I want to apologize for missing birthday’s, events, visits, graduations, and much more. I apologize for not being honest with you and allowing a chance for dialogue and support. I want to thank babe for always being by my side and helping me get through this! Much love, Marissa ”

Much love,
Marissa

 

How Do I Pull Myself Up Without Bootstraps?

As previously mentioned I have sought help from vocational rehabilitation hoping to attain skills to get me back into the workforce.

“It takes money to make money,” and I am completely sold on the idea.  It has been a blessing working with health practitioners willing to place me on payment plans for medical services.  I have been blessed to have a frugal sister that has shown me how to dress on a dime.  I am blessed to have another sister that does my hair for free. I have been blessed to have a supportive fiance that takes me to my medical appointments. I have been blessed that my supportive family was willing to take me in so I could have a roof over my head.

Image: Daniel St.Pierre / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

Despite my current blessings I am still unsure how to pull myself up without bootstraps? To learn a  new skill set often requires monetary funding. Vocational rehabilitation has afforded me the ability to take classes online in web design. However, there are additional books and software  outside of my classes that are essential to add to my web design kit . I hate to ask for handouts so I have been considering asking various companies to allow me to review their software and products in exchange for honest reviews. If you have any additional ideas please do not hesitate to share your thoughts.

Much Love,
Marissa