Envisioning The Perfect Child, I Will Likely Not Conceive

This month’s 12-12-12 project member Andi Durkin, mother of a toddler living with Down Syndrome, has given me an assignment.

Assignment #1….

Write about your future children. Write down exactly what you want for your child. What they will be like.

* I have turned off the idea of ever having children. Living with this crazy vestibular disorder I am afraid I won’t be able to handle the daily physical rigors of motherhood. Being asked to entertain the idea of motherhood has my emotions all over the place.


I have so many wants for you, it hurts. I hope that my selfish desires won’t interfere with your personal desires. Don’t allow my personal fears to stunt your growth.

With that said….

You are perfectly healthy.

You are elegant and graceful.

You have the heart of your great grandmother.

You are self aware and not self serving.

You think of others and see the finest in people.

You are respectful of yourself and others.

You have great sensibility.

You are beautiful on the inside and out. You have your father’s beautiful eyes.

You play the violin as graceful as Hilary Hahn.

You have mastered 3 languages.

You not only excel in sports but are a rhode scholar.

You are a world traveler.

You have strong business acumen which will create financial stability for you.

I want you to find happiness on the deepest level.

May you find a man that respects you and loves you more than he loves himself.

May you experience more joy than pain.

May you not be afraid of life, but learn to embrace it.

May you leave a legacy that will make future generations proud.

Much love,

P.S. Mija, if you stumble upon this blog post, know that I love you NO MATER WHAT! I have rattled off a list of everything I secretly desired in my own life or believed would constitute the perfect life. Regardless of your personal achievements or possessions, my ultimate desire for you is to be the best version of yourself. I will love and support you and will ALWAYS have your back.

P.S.S. Emotionally spent!


  1. Such beautiful words. Before my boys, I had two losses and often worried that it wasn’t meant to be. Even now that they are here I write them letters like this. I want them someday to look back and see that my faith in them was there from the beginning. I also hurt at the thought of not being able to have another. Or 4 more;-). I do have to say this. You have so much love in your heart Marissa, that you would be an amazing mother. Not trying to be preachy but my heart aches with you at the thought of you not having a child to share all your greatness with. Love you girl!

    • Kim! Thank you for this. Also, thank you for sharing something so personal. Your boys are SO blessed to have you as a mom. You are a mom that now see’s the world through very different eyes. You are teaching them lessons that a healthy mom just cant offer.

      Pray for me that the love I have in my heart get’s channeled in the right direction! Thanks girl!

      Much love,

  2. You are a brave soul, Marissa. I’ve thought about this post all week. Here goes:
    I’m afraid too that I can’t have children because of my vestibular disorder. More than afraid. How could I pick up a baby if I feel dizzy and the floor feels spongey when I walk? I know I can’t conceive with the current drugs I’m on because of this disorder – it would be too harmful for the baby. And I’m sad because I can hear & feel my clock running out.
    We all want perfect health, perfect children, & a perfect life. I’m just rambling here, but maybe we just need to redefine what we think perfect is. Instead maybe we need to focus on what we have rather than what we don’t have. And maybe hold on to the belief that what we want is possible.

    • “How could I pick up a baby if I feel dizzy and the floor feels spongey when I walk? ”

      This! When my first niece was born I felt reluctance to pick her up ( even if I didn’t express that reluctance to others). What if I dropped her? I remember when she was a few months old my sister and her husband went to run an errand. They left my niece with me and my dad. My dad went to work on the yard and I was left alone with her.

      She began to cry and I started walking her around the house to calm her down. When I rounded the corner she jerked and with my balance issues I over compensated and she hit her head on corner of the wall. She REALLY started crying. I freaked out. I called my dad and my dad checked her out and said she was fine. I remember thinking, shoot my sister is going to freak.

      I told my sister AND she freaked. She told her husband and his response to me, “you have to be more careful.” I can understand the concern of first time parents, and it was an accident, but I could not help think if I didn’t have this crazy condition the incident would not have happened.

      Now that my second niece is here, I don’t get to see them as often, but when I do I don’t feel as compelled to ask to hold her. I ALWAYS make sure I am sitting down before I attempt to hold her.

      I hear you about being sad. I am with you on the clock running out. My doctor brings it up and I ignore him. I try and not think about it.

      I am with you on focusing on what we have. We may not become mothers, but that doesn’t mean we are less than! We will find different channels and alternative ways to share our love.

      Much love,

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

* Copy This Password *

* Type Or Paste Password Here *